First let me say that most of the people involved, both the teaser and the victims are in need of help. They both have areas of maturity and self understanding that need healing. Frequently things happened when they were children. Generally speaking, both of them do not know how to love. In fact, at this point, the teaser is incapable of giving or receiving real love. They are immature and will often grow older and never mature.
I have run into many women who think that if they just give this man enough love, he will be okay. That does not happen. Many people go through life never dealing with these needs and as a result, never find the peace they are searching for. However, if they look at their lives and really want to change, it is possible, with a lot of work.
A woman goes to bars or runs into a vulnerable man, one who is lonely and just naturally wants sex. She plays up to him, offers sex, hooks him and dumps him. She knows how to spot him immediately. She butters him up, telling him how handsome he is, etc. He begins to think that he may have something here. After a few sexual encounters, she drops him. He will call her, text her, “I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?” This man is very quickly addicted to the teaser. She gets a pleasure out of controlling him and watching him look helpless as he wonders what happened. She seems to get a lot of joy out of controlling men.
A slightly different version is played out over a longer period of time. She meets him in a social situation or maybe at work. He doesn’t appear needy. She prefers a man who isn’t all that easy. She plays with him like a cat plays with a mouse. She gives him the impression that they might actually be compatible, that they may have a future together
They develop a relationship, but she makes it clear, it might not be permanent. She tells him that she loves him, but he needs to change this or that. His hair is too long or too short. She likes a beard, or can’t stand a beard. He needs to lose weight or exercise more. She says she loves him, but she doesn’t seem able to accept him just as he is. Her suggestions are subtle. He spends his time trying to please her. She may see another man, just enough of a relationship to make him jealous. This is her way to play one man against another. She keeps it going until she is tired of the game or she actually begins to really care about one of them. Sometimes, one or both of the men get tired of the game and call it quits. If he can’t live up to all her needs, or just wants her to love him just as he is, she pushes him away, just slightly to see if he will come back. There is a degree of control in the relationship with her doing most of the controlling. If he begins to take control, the relationship is dead.
This is a woman who is usually beautiful and uses her body to get attention. She uses sex to continue the attention. She needs a man’s love and this is as close as she can get. Once she has his attention, she forms a relationship, except the men she picks really don’t want a relationship. They just want the sex. She may even know there are other women in his life and that is okay for her because she needs some form of love so badly. In this situation, it is difficult to know who is the teaser and who is the victim. Basically she is hungry for a man’s love and this is the best she can do. If she does find a man who wants to love her, she will sabotage the relationship because she can’t give or receive real love and it scares her and hurts too much to have him love her.
This is a man looking for a vulnerable woman. This is very common. It may be safe to say that most divorced women have experienced this scenario. All he needs to hear is that she is either getting a divorce or recently divorced to know she is vulnerable and the prefect victim. She needs to feel that she has value. She needs some attention and someone to show her that she is special. She wants someone to care, to love her. That is often the main reason she left an abusive marriage. He seems to care. He will listen to her feelings and console her. She is hooked.
Only this teaser always has more than one woman. He likes to have a harem. Another women he can go to for sex if one is not available. He keeps them separated and most of the time, each doesn’t know about the others until he wants to test her to see just what she will put up with. And she may put up with anything. When she gets really hooked and wants more of a relationship, he dumps her and moves on to all the other vulnerable, available women just looking for someone to love them.
The following information is based mostly on women teasers because that is what I have encountered in my practice. That doesn’t mean that men are any less capable of teasing although I suspect their style might be slightly different. Each one is a victim. Even the teaser is a victim because the teaser is caught in a trap. He becomes addicted and needs to find another victim to satisfy the addiction.
The victim goes though life always hungry for a solid, caring relationship. Except what it takes for a good relationship is not something either has. The idea, although it seems to be a dream in the beginning, can be a nightmare for them. When the teaser leaves the relationship, he leaves a person who is hurting, has less appreciation for herself and basically is a little less of a whole person. In the end it is a no win situation for both of them.
If you know of other situations where the man or woman plays with the idea of love and or sex, ending up with someone hurting or abusing the other person, please let me know. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you are a victim in any of these situations, I can help you understand what is going on and show you ways to look at the positives in yourself that have been eroded over time. You can have a better, happier, healthier future. I can help you be less vulnerable to the next teaser that comes into your life.